Heavy Bondage on Aisle 3

Remember getting toys as a kid? Well, a kid in the 70s and early 80s? (you young whippersnappers who make me feel like a relic can read this as a history lesson of sorts)
If it came in a box, it was usually a cardboard box with snazzy rendering of the contents outside. If you could see the contents at all, it was usually through a smallish window in the box, and the poor plastic girl or horse or whatever was in some state of light bondage, tied to a piece of cardboard inside the box, held firmly, yet not permanently in place by some kind of extra long twist tie (the packaging equivalent of silk scarves). When it came time to take the toy out, open the box, untwist the tie and the new object was free. Granted, it was probably slathered in lead based paint, or filled with small parts that could pop free and choke you, or made from some kind of material that could shatter and put your eye out, but hell, you could get right to the death and destruction instead of nearly severing your finger on the heat sealed plastic pack only to reveal an inner plastic coffin encasing the harmful lead paint slathered toy.

Fast forward 20 years. The first and only time I bought Big Dog a "Little People" toy I was shocked at the level of heavy bondage these poor folks endured. Have packaging facilities been taken over by S&M types? Large box, inner plastic coffins, tiny farmer and his livestock smiling despite being strapped inside said coffins with dozens of unsnipable twist-ties (around their tiny necks no less!) covered in tape, with hardened plastic spacers making them nearly impossible to remove. I mean, I lived in SF for years and I was still pretty shocked by the extent of this toy "dungeon", and it isn't much different from brand to brand. Buy a new toy and you'd be hard pressed to open it without some pretty heavy-duty shears, and after shucking your toy free, you'll need a wheel barrow to take the packaging out to the curb.

I assume most of this new packaging is to make the display more appealing to consumers and prevent damage in shipping, but this has gone way overboard. Don't they realize these toys are going to be stomped on, thrown, dunked in water, carried off by large dogs (wait, that may just be my home) and otherwise abused as soon as they are freed? If they can't survive a trip from manufacturing to sales floor without a complex system of restraints, they won't survive long in my household.

Even more disturbing is the over-packaging of food items. Why must all gum now come in individually sealed airlocks? Is there some kind of "gum flu" being transferred from chicklet to chicklet that I should be aware of? Have cherry tomatoes become such rogues that they must be firmly sealed in a plastic prison for fear of them taking launching a bloody (or katsup-y) attack on the full sized tomatoes? Even the organic mixed baby greens have been sequestered to a plastic lidded "nursery" of sorts. Large mama jars of applesauce now sit next to their single serving off-spring on the grocery shelf. Cookies that used to float loose in a cardboard box are now neatly seated in their plastic cookie pews awaiting their departure to "a better life" in your tummy. Even the sachets of herbal tea, who seem so earthy and ready to mingle in a big tea bag orgy are now neatly sealed into individual packages inside their cardboard box commune all wrapped up in a layer of cellophane. Ok, I'll stop with this now, I think I'm getting a bit too into the personification of food object. It might get in the way of me enjoying my lunch, but I think you get the picture.

The sad thing is that for most people this trend toward over-packaging doesn't even enter their purchasing decisions. When so many families are working to stretch the budget or fit 26 hours of work into a 24 hour day, price and convenience is king and the landfill is an afterthought.

An Olympic Proposal

Dear Members of the International Olympic Committee,

I am interested in nominating a new sport for inclusion in the 2008 Olympic Games.
This new event, The Parental Triathlon, would challenge a parent to run three successive stages, with two small children in tow. The event would break down as outlined below:

Stage 1- Shoe shopping: During this stage of the event, the parent would enter an upscale department store, have one child's foot measured, find a suitable pair of shoes, have the child try on at least two pairs of shoes, make the purchase, wait patiently for balloons with the children and leave the store. The challenge is to make the purchase while keeping both children reasonably well behaved, avoid attracting attention from shoppers nearby and preventing either child from running off barefooted to another department. Extra points are awarded if all displays in reach remain intact for the duration of your visit. Extra points are awarded for bargaining a two year old into placing their foot into the foot measuring slider without crunching up their toes, or slipping their foot around as the clerk tries to get an accurate measurement. A participant may instruct the children to "look at the pretty fish" as a distraction, but doing so in a shreeky mother-in-a-panic voice would cost the team points.

Stage 2- Big Box Store w/Large Toy Department: During this stage of the event, the parent would enter a big box store with a large toy department with the goal of purchasing resealable sandwich baggies, deodorant, toddler underpants, batteries and a small toy (not manufactured in China) for each child. The challenges in this stage are to make it through the store to purchase items from various departments without losing the children or adding extraneous items from the "One Spot," and actually finding a small toy for each child that is not manufactured in China while trying to explain to your children why their selected toy must be rejected. Parents may strap one child into the cart to facilitate this stage, but using duct tape is forbidden. Points will also be deducted for selecting a toy manufactured in China with weary resignation and the half-assed reassurance from your 2 year old that "Well, you won't put this in your mouth, will you?"

Stage 3- Grocery Shopping: During this stage, the parent must complete a week's worth of grocery shopping in a narrow aisled grocery store that offers food samples. By this stage, both children should have missed their designated nap time. The challenge is to select healthy, organic or natural products and complete a mental grocery list for the week's meals. No written lists are permitted, all items must be recalled from a harried memory of meal planning the previous day. Children must not be allowed to run off to the "sample hut", must not attempt to take more than one sample, must not spit out the sample or say "Yuck!" in a loud and exaggerated voice. Parents must also prevent children from sneaking cookies or other unwanted objects into the cart. Children biting items placed in the cart, especially through the wrapping also results in a points deduction. Children may be promised a snack once they get back to the car, but points will be deducted for breaking open a 1 lb bar of chocolate in the store while begging the children to "just please let mommy finish the shopping without scaring any other shoppers". Extra points will be awarded if the parent actually remembers to bring the stash of reusable shopping carts into the store instead of forgetting them in the car, again.

The winner will be the parent who successfully completes all three tasks with:

1. the shoes that were purchased as well as the outgrown shoes and both balloons
2. the fewest extra items from "Big Box Store"
3. the fewest forgotten grocery list items
4. all clothing in tact, extra points for clothing remaining clean
5. the least bargaining and fewest bribes
6. no public meltdowns or shouting matches
7. and their sanity (or at least comparable sanity to their mental state at the beginning of the event).

While this is not technically a sport, and has no governing federation or organized competitions at the time of this request, I think it has a certain universal appeal that will bring a wide range of athletes to the field. Since many people have been participating in this type of event on a weekly basis, the quality of competition is sure to be brisk!

I humbly submit this for your consideration.
Sincerely,
followthatdog