Friday, May 23, 2008


There are days when I feel like there is not nearly enough of me to go around. Not literally, like if you served me up by the pound, in that case there would be more than enough to go around, but that’s a whole other story. What I’m trying to say is that I have too many demands upon my attention. Right now my normal “feel the burn” stretch has been extended to a “feel the painful tearing” type strain.

Between work, family and home I am more than used up. Yes, I left “self” off that list. I seem to have mostly left that one aside for a while now. I actually feel guilty when I get a free moment. Even my relaxation time is more relaxing to me if I fill it with tasks that benefit the entire family. I feel like a selfish person if I take time off to pull myself together. My mom reminds me that I need to make myself “whole” to really be able to give to others, but that required making time for me, and I’m not so good at that. It just seems like I need more time in my day to keep the fundamental stuff in order.

Just the day to day is exhausting. My demands at work are heating up. I have a conflict with a close co-worker that is adding more tension to an already stressful job. I’m getting support from other co-workers, but it is tough to feel like you can’t trust someone you need to be able to rely upon. In fact, there is a growing suspicion, and not just in my own mind, that this person is actually trying to sink my battleship so to speak. Not at all reassuring.

At home, the boys are doing great, but being smart, lively and active can be tiring for your caregiver. I am in no way complaining that they are the most charming and brilliant children ever to walk the planet, just that when they insist on being charming and brilliant until the wee hours then not sleeping soundly through the night, well, it just adds some pain to my life.

Top that off with the house stuff. I love this house, it will be amazing when it is done, but sometimes I feel like my wonderful husband is having an affair with his house/mistress since she gets more of his time and attention that I do. She is showered with gifts and I am, sob, neglected. Ok, not neglected, but damn I want some of his prime time again.

The hardest part is that even the good stuff adds to my ever growing “who owns a piece of me” list. My manager has identified me as someone he wants to develop for bigger roles in our organization. Fantastic! But that means more travel. We’re making progress on the foundation. Amazing! But that means more of Mr. Dog’s time will be spent digging and I’ll be a house widow a bit more over the summer. The kids are bright and active and need new challenges! Wow! But that means I’m making more changes for Big Dog with school and classes and I have to keep lining up activities for Little Dog and his nannyshare friends.

I’m trying to make it all work. And at times, it sings, really sings. I have days that I look at my life and wouldn’t have things any other way. And then there are times I feel like I’m in a triathlon, poorly equipped but striving hard to place. What I have found is that blogging is a great outlet. And so I continue to put my life out there for the amusement of all, but the sheer pleasure of me and only me. Well, except when I get all caught up in the comments and big world of bloggers…damn, even that can become all consuming.

1 comment:

chihuahua5 said...

i love you sweetie. let us do something when you get back from your trip that is just girls time okay? manis/pedis maybe? or just chilling somewhere w/o any dogs...except 1 chihuahua ;)

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