Just so you don't think I'm getting all ego ridden with my fancy new award, I thought I'd post a list of why I'm really not fat-headed, just fat-assed.
My list of My 10 Most Ridiculous Flaws.
1. I have a short, quick temper. I'll snap at someone, then be over it and expect them to bounce back as quickly as I did. I don't stay mad long, but I do blow up. And I really really hate this about myself.
2. I am a competitive mommy. You think your kid is smart, funny, generally awesome? Guess what, mine's better. I've been this way since I was a doggy mommy. When we were in obedience training with Mao, there was a dog named Rocket who was sooo perfect, it made me gag. Mr. Dog used to accuse me of being the next Texas Cheerleader Mom. I think I've mellowed a bit, but it's still there in the back of my mind, and it's not pretty.
3. My big old feet. Yeah, size 11. I used to complain about my size 10s before I had two kids, little did I know how good I had it. Now I have drag queen feet! I want an outstanding selection of fantastic shoes, and yet these flippers at the end of my legs prevent that.
4. I cry when I get really pissed off. Not terribly effective, and it always makes people think I'm sad or hormonal. I am not, nope. I'm mad, really mad, stabby kind of mad. And don't even think of putting your arm around my shoulders to "calm me down" you might lose a limb.
5. I crave constant praise. Really. I'm like that poorly trained dog that has never been successfully weaned off of treat rewards. If I perform, I expect recognition. I load the dishwasher, I want it noticed, and praised. I cook dinner. Notice and praise please. And can you believe that Mr. Dog, even after nearly 7 years of marriage has not given in to this persistent demand. I still have to call out my good behavior! The nerve.
6. I am obscenely addicted to coffee. I begin every morning with a large hot cup of delicious coffee. To be perfectly clear, my morning does not begin until I have my large hot cup of delicious coffee. And once my morning has begun, the first thing I do is refill my cup for a second large hot cup of delicious coffee. And so on, and so on. We go through two pounds of coffee a week in our house. Should I wake up and not have coffee on hand, life is not much fun for me or anyone I come in contact with until I get that first cup. We take great pains to make sure that does not happen.
7. Almost nothing can wake me up. When we lived in SF, we lived on a busy corner. Traffic all day, noisy drunks all night. We even had an occasional nocturnal passerby Mr Dog referred to as "Monkey Boy" who made a general monkey-like ruckus as he hopped on cars and bounded around. And yet, I slept like a coma patient every night. It was not until I had the boys that I was able to be woken up by anything other than a telephone or alarm clock once my eyes had shut for the night. Now the boys have been added to the list of things that can wake me. Why is this a ridiculous flaw? Not really sure, but Mr. Dog likes to tease me about it. He's probably just jealous since he has problems in that department.
8. I am obsessive about the strangest things. My sheets must be tucked in or I can't sleep. The chairs in the living room must be properly aligned. And Big Dog's lunches in his fancy laptop lunch box must be beautifully created and displayed. Why? No idea. Just obsessive that way.
9. I think I am the best driver in the world. Moreover I think the rest of you are pretty sucky drivers. No evidence to support any of this, but my vehicle operation related arrogance is pretty well set. And if you could hear me in my car, your ears would burst into flames by the language I use to correct all of you.
10. I make lists like this. Need I say more?
Anyone else want to play? Come on, make me feel better.
Pasta ala Fridge
1 year ago