Thursday, August 7, 2008

10 things I hate about you, and by you, I mean me.

Just so you don't think I'm getting all ego ridden with my fancy new award, I thought I'd post a list of why I'm really not fat-headed, just fat-assed.

My list of My 10 Most Ridiculous Flaws.

1. I have a short, quick temper. I'll snap at someone, then be over it and expect them to bounce back as quickly as I did. I don't stay mad long, but I do blow up. And I really really hate this about myself.

2. I am a competitive mommy. You think your kid is smart, funny, generally awesome? Guess what, mine's better. I've been this way since I was a doggy mommy. When we were in obedience training with Mao, there was a dog named Rocket who was sooo perfect, it made me gag. Mr. Dog used to accuse me of being the next Texas Cheerleader Mom. I think I've mellowed a bit, but it's still there in the back of my mind, and it's not pretty.

3. My big old feet. Yeah, size 11. I used to complain about my size 10s before I had two kids, little did I know how good I had it. Now I have drag queen feet! I want an outstanding selection of fantastic shoes, and yet these flippers at the end of my legs prevent that.

4. I cry when I get really pissed off. Not terribly effective, and it always makes people think I'm sad or hormonal. I am not, nope. I'm mad, really mad, stabby kind of mad. And don't even think of putting your arm around my shoulders to "calm me down" you might lose a limb.

5. I crave constant praise. Really. I'm like that poorly trained dog that has never been successfully weaned off of treat rewards. If I perform, I expect recognition. I load the dishwasher, I want it noticed, and praised. I cook dinner. Notice and praise please. And can you believe that Mr. Dog, even after nearly 7 years of marriage has not given in to this persistent demand. I still have to call out my good behavior! The nerve.

6. I am obscenely addicted to coffee. I begin every morning with a large hot cup of delicious coffee. To be perfectly clear, my morning does not begin until I have my large hot cup of delicious coffee. And once my morning has begun, the first thing I do is refill my cup for a second large hot cup of delicious coffee. And so on, and so on. We go through two pounds of coffee a week in our house. Should I wake up and not have coffee on hand, life is not much fun for me or anyone I come in contact with until I get that first cup. We take great pains to make sure that does not happen.

7. Almost nothing can wake me up.
When we lived in SF, we lived on a busy corner. Traffic all day, noisy drunks all night. We even had an occasional nocturnal passerby Mr Dog referred to as "Monkey Boy" who made a general monkey-like ruckus as he hopped on cars and bounded around. And yet, I slept like a coma patient every night. It was not until I had the boys that I was able to be woken up by anything other than a telephone or alarm clock once my eyes had shut for the night. Now the boys have been added to the list of things that can wake me. Why is this a ridiculous flaw? Not really sure, but Mr. Dog likes to tease me about it. He's probably just jealous since he has problems in that department.

8. I am obsessive about the strangest things. My sheets must be tucked in or I can't sleep. The chairs in the living room must be properly aligned. And Big Dog's lunches in his fancy laptop lunch box must be beautifully created and displayed. Why? No idea. Just obsessive that way.

9. I think I am the best driver in the world. Moreover I think the rest of you are pretty sucky drivers. No evidence to support any of this, but my vehicle operation related arrogance is pretty well set. And if you could hear me in my car, your ears would burst into flames by the language I use to correct all of you.

10. I make lists like this. Need I say more?

Anyone else want to play? Come on, make me feel better.


Nauntie Lush said...

I make lists too. I drink 16 shots of espresso a day (so I go through a LOT of espresso beans here w/my fancy pants machine) I am obsessive about things that are not important, and am in love with you! Will you marry me?

Alicia said...

I love that list! I can identify with most of it, too!

Amanda said...

3 kids in four years and my feet are still a perfect 10...HA! So few choices, I feel your pain. And I was nodding through most of your list!

Anonymous said...

I have tiny feet, a 5, child feet have their disadvantages too.

I also need coffee to function.

I'm really insecure.

I have huge anxiety over social functions.

I can fall asleep anywhere.

Maura said...

My biggest flaw is that I have no flaws. Annoying, isn't it? :-)

I suggest you visit The Blogess today, if you haven't already, and share your obsessive behaviors (what she calls neuroses) with her, since she is soliciting them today. I think it's turning into a big love fest over there.

Anonymous said...

I too cry when I am super pissed off.

I have to eat M&M's in rainbow order and in pairs.

I have to add numbers together when I see them.

When I get mad and blow up, i throw things. Usually kitchen items.

I take control in group settings. When I arrive, I am in charge.

I also have superior driving skills. LOL my kids have learned some horrid words and phrases by our adventures in the car.

geekymummy said...

You have lots of cute shoes!

I am a terrible washer upper. No matter how hard I try, the dishes I wash always have stuff left on them. The advantage of this is that my husband now washes all the dishes in our house.

Mrs. F said...

My boss does number one, too. For instance:
We are all standing on the dock hanging out when he comes off one boat and tells us that we should not be standing around since the Avalon (the small boat that most of us were not working on that night) needed to be washed off on the outside. Let me also tell you that us servers do not even know where the thing is to turn the hose ON. So he walks on to the Avalon and walks back off 30 seconds later smiling and shrugs his shoulders at us, as if to apologize.

Weak example, but it was the most recent that I could think of...

super des said...

ok, reading #s 1, 4, 5, and 9, makes me think that we are the same person. Nobody ever gets the crying thing.

mamikaze said...

You copied my list! You understand how upsetting it was for me to shampoo the carpets today and not have my husband come home and congratulate me on my hard work. Which wasn't that hard. But that is beside the point.

Unknown said...

I just LOVE lists...too bad i dont use them!NO really I always buy these cute note pads that are numbered for occasions like this...GREAT blog post

Z said...

I am totally you. Except for the big feet thing. And the sleep thing. And the kids thing (but I do it with my CUTEST EVER puppy). But, yeah, me = you. Totally.

Kaza said...

Ditto for me on #s 4 & 5. And I totally want to get one of those laptop lunch things for the little one's lunch box but the hubby thinks it's ridiculously overpriced. We're broke right now, so he wins. For the moment.

BoneFolder said...

#10: I cannot bring myself to stamp, address and mail any sort of document. NO IDEA why it's so hard.

#9: I never do expense reports. It's stupid, and expensive.

#8: I procrastinate expertly. See how long it took me to get around to posting this? It's a miracle I finished this list.

#7: Consciousness is a constant struggle for me. Doesn't matter how much sleep I got, I can fall asleep any time, even when I'm really interested in something. Might be sleep apnea but I've never got around to getting tested (See #8)

#6: I can't stand coffee or tea. This is more of a pain in the ass than you can believe. I am not welcome in certain company because of this, and it drives me nuts to have to schedule MY day around everyone else's medical need for caffeine. (At least everyone else stopped smoking. I hated that too.)

#5: I absolutely must have logical discourse, even when arguing with women. Guess how well that goes.

#4: I cannot tolerate it when someone accuses me of something unfairly. I will immediately launch a massive campaign in my own defense. Even to my six-year-old.

#3: I can never concentrate on anything till after midnight. I always remember to call people or that I need to do noisy things around then.

#2 & #1: I have trouble prioritizing. :)

In a related vein, here are Six Weird Things About Me.

--Mike Jennings

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