Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Five inventions mommies really really need

There are a lot of products out there directed at moms. Some of them are great and some of them are just flat out moronic. (Hooter hider? Seriously?) Why can't someone create things that we really need? Things that would help us get day to day stuff done while keeping our sanity in tact. I have a few suggestions for a pioneering individual who wants to create the next invention to save all moms.

1. The Cone of Silence: Essentially a clear but sound-proof dome that a mom can sit in when the boys are playing loud games or testing out their screeching voices. Sure it would have to have some kind of speaker so the mom within could communicate with her offspring, but we're the country that has put a man on the moon, we should be able to do this!

2. The Cone of Stop Touching Me: Similar to the cone of silence, but really more protection from being used as a climber, chair, poking victim, or pillow. The goal here is to provide a mom a minimum amount of personal space where she can just sit and not be, well, touched.

3. The Slick Suit #1: No, not for protecting you from #1, this suit would be a slick fabric that didn't look shiny. Something that snot, spit up, mashed bananas, mud and all other child carried contaminants would wipe off with a damp sponge. For me, this would help me get out of the house in the morning without needing multiple clothing changes. It should be stylish and flattering, and especially efficient at concealing the muffin top.

4. The Slick Suit #2: Again, nothing to do with that #2, this suit would be coated with a extra slick surface. The goal is to prevent children from clinging or climbing on a mom when she is just trying to relax, or get errands and simple chores done. Think banana peel, but more wearable.

5. The Tantrum Tamer: I'm not quite sure what this would be, but it might involve a child sized straight jacket, ear plugs and a couple of Valium. Obviously I'm still working through the kinks on this one.

Any other genius ideas?


Unknown said...

What about an Ativan salt lick? Oh and a Gin and Tonic machine, no mixing, measuring, or slicing required.

Mrs. F said...

The Cone Of Stop Touching Me better include "Stop Fucking Shocking Me In Costco. It hurts! I know this is a new phenomenon for you, but HOLY SHIT! STOPPPPPPPPP!"

Is that in there? Cause I would really like that.

Beth said...

Teachers could benefit from these inventions, too!

Christi Ciani said...

This list is hilarious. I had to forward it my cousin who really feels alone as a mom and she loved it so much she forwarded it to all of her mom friends :)

geekymummy said...

Yes! We need all of those. You know, back in the 60's flight attendents (I guess stewardesses back then) wore suits made of extra slippery fabric so that guys couldn't grab them.
I guess we have made some progress.

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