Friday, August 21, 2009

Why I'm waiting for the zombie plague

So there has been some scientific modeling to predict the spread and survivability of a zombie outbreak. It's about fucking time. I mean, how long have I had to wonder if it would be possible to hold them off? How long must I wonder how best to improve my chances of survival? Why has science ignored this pressing concern for this long? Well, unfortunately the news isn't good. Looks like the zombies would win and it wouldn't even take long. Fine. So be it. I've decided in the event of a zombie plague, I'm hoping to get in on it early. Go ahead, zombie me up. Once you get over the fear of the unknown, it doesn't even sound that bad.
Why's that? Let me tell you.
1. Less shit to worry about. As a zombie you don't worry about shit, you just worry about brains. Simple, to the point. No more prioritization of competing needs. No more juggling demands. Just brains.
2. The what to make for dinner questions goes right out the window. What's for dinner? Brains! Done.
3. Work politics are a thing of the past. Zombies don't go to work. Even if they did, if someone pissed you off, just eat their brain. Problem solved.
4. No more bills to pay. Zombies seem to be on a constant search for brains, they seem immune to cold and don't seem to mind staggering slowly from place to place. This dramatically cuts your heating bills, your car and gas costs and don't forget the grocery bill. Even if you do still require a house, which I'm not entirely sure you would, you could totally default on your mortgage or rent. I mean, who is going to evict a zombie family? Even if they try, isn't that like getting a free meal delivery when you eat their brains? Nice.
5. We'd already have a pretty kick ass anthem. Check it out.


Draft Queen said...

That song is my ringtone.

(And Code Monkey totally reminds me of my boyfriend.)

followthatdog said...

Ok, I knew you were awesome, but that is EXTRA awesome. I love Shop Vac, but on a bad day it can hit too close to home. Sigh.

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