Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The unthinkable

Since becoming a mother, I've become terrified of dying. I'm so afraid that I'll leave the kids behind and they'll forget all about me. I want to be there for them, for all of their major milestones, be there as a grandparent when and if that time comes. The idea that if I died today, Little Dog would probably not have any memories of me when he became an adult kills me. Big Dog would remember me, but probably only in glimpses in his memory. Why am I getting all morbid, you ask? Well this week, two of my friends have lost a parent and another is flying home to be with his family since his father's cancer has been resistant to all treatment. And while I was on the phone today, another friend's step mom received more bad medical news. It seems to be coming in waves. Grief, loss, illness. It just keeps coming in the most tragic flood of misery. All of a sudden I'm not just afraid of dying, but also of loss. I know death is part of a natural cycle, that all life begins and all life must end. It doesn't keep it from sucking so much when someone you love departs before you are ready. And I really doubt that anyone is ever ready.
The idea that my parents could cease to exist, the idea that they could no longer be there for a call or a visit is devastating. I've never dwelt on it too much, but now I must simply put my foot down and forbid them from dying. Got that mom and dad? Much like I want to stick around because the boys still need me, I still need you. The solution is pretty simple. No death. None. Ever. Got it?


geekymummy said...

MY dad's mum died when he was three (of TB). I always knew this, but it is so much more poignant to me now I'm a mum. I feel so for the sweet little boy that my dad was. He says he still remembers the sound of her voice.

They say you don't really grow up until your parents die. I hope I never grow up. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Green said...

My mom's mother got sick when she was 3 and eventually died when she was 6. She totally remembers her. Your kids will remember you not matter what.

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