Evidence that I'm a terrible mother

I joke about it, but honestly if you are on the outside looking in, you might get the wrong idea. I love these kids to the moon and back, but I am not as perfect a mother as they might deserve.

1. I let them watch TV. In fact, I love TV. I went to college to study how to make TV and work for a company that makes video editing software, for TV. I'm all about the TV. All of these studies try to show it rots their brains, but if that's true, I have to say I'm glad. They are too smart as it is. If they were any smarter, they'd be too much for me.

2. They don't really listen to me. Sometimes they do, for example, if I whisper really quietly "I have cookies" they'd come running from any corner of the house to take them from me, but when I say "Please quit climbing on me" it falls on completely deaf ears. I'm sure it's something I'm doing that makes them this way.

3. I love working. I will never in a million years have stay-at-home-mom fantasies. As much as I love the boys, I think being home with them all of the time would be my undoing. I'd probably love long stretches of it, but there would be enough frustration and anxiety that I'd lose my mind. Or at least I think I would. Plus, I love my job. I think I'm a better mom as a working mom. I hope they do too.

4. Sometimes, even when they really want to tag along or help me out, I do things without them. I feed the chickens before they can get their shoes on. I run to the store and leave them with Mr. Dog. I even bake things without their help. I know I could turn these daily activities into learning experiences, but it's just faster if I do them on my own. Sometimes speed is more important to me than the teaching.

5. I bribe them. I know, I know. You shouldn't use bribes to get the behaviors you want, but it works. And if you think about it, we're all bribed as adults right? I mean, I go to work because they pay me. If they quit paying me, I'd stop going. It's essentially a bribe. I don't bribe my kids all of the time. Generally they're pretty cooperative, but when it come time for action, I know the power of a well placed bribe. And I have no qualms about using that power.

6. I sometimes call the kids by the dogs' names and vice-versa. I don't mean to, but it happens. I can try and claim it is some kind of family tradition, because I clearly remember being reprimanded by my mother on multiple occasions. In her fed up mother voice she'd start "Frisky! Rascal!" (Yep, we had a dog named Frisky. Get over it.) In our house it seems to happen a lot. They get the gist of what I'm saying, so I play it off.

7. I'm a pottymouth. No matter how hard I try, I can't help it. Ok, I don't try that hard, but still. And they've picked up some choice words. Fortunately they seem to have the common sense I lack in knowing when to use it and when to keep it to themselves. It's all about audience, right? But I hold my breath every day I send them off to preschool waiting for the call telling me tales of my boys' salty language.

8. I forget stuff. I forget lunches for preschool. I forget to bring dinner on the brain plate. I forget to pick up bananas at the store. And once, just once, I forgot pajama day at school. I will never forget it again because every so often, out of the blue, Big Dog asks, "Mama, do you remember when you forgot pajama day?" And I have to relive the horror of showing up to school in street clothes. Forget the fact I took him to the store and bought brand new jammies as soon as it became an issue. I'm not allowed to forget. But I do.

9. Sometimes I laugh when they do stupid shit. Never when they get seriously hurt, but sometimes when a better mommy might not giggle, I'm there covering up my chuckle. I can't help it. Sometimes it is funny.

10. I know the job of a good mother is to raise self-sufficient people, but I don't want them to grow up. If I could keep them small forever, I would. In a heartbeat. Because they are just too awesome.

Want to make me feel better? Tell me how terrible you are.