Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The big list of disappointments, theirs not mine

Dear boys, 
Yes, I am an amazing and powerful force to be reckoned with, but even with all of my natural ability, there are many things I cannot and/or will not do.

1. Your knight costume, while adorable, is now torn.  I understand you want a new one right now, but I cannot make a new one materialize on command.  

2.  When you are hysterical, and sometimes when you are not, I simply cannot understand what you are saying.  When I say "what?" or guess the wrong thing, it is not some evil plot to prevent you from getting what you want, it is just me trying to figure out what the fuck you are trying to ask for.

3.  I know my mac and cheese is the most delicious kid-ambrosia in the world.  But no, we will not eat it every night.  And when that request goes ungranted, please understand that chocolate for dinner is not the next most logical choice.  You are not a) a pregnant woman or b) PMSing, so that will never happen.

4.  I do try to have appropriate groceries in the house at all times, but much as I cannot force a new knight costume to materialize on demand, I am similarly unable to produce string cheese, orange juice, chocolate milk or any other food demand just because you say so.  Even if you say it over and over and over.

5.  I do not control the weather.  Yes, I would prefer it to be a sunny day.  I wish I could keep the parks dry and warm year round, but the only way I can see that happening is to move to Arizona or Florida, and you know how I feel about those states.

6.  Sometimes your bad behavior is funny. You need to understand that I can't help but laugh and you must listen to the words I'm saying in between the chuckles, that's where the message is.  Learn it and don't make me laugh like this again.  Because really, it isn't funny, except that it is.

7.  Occasionally, despite my best efforts, I will forget things.  Things like "Pajama Day" at school spring to mind.  The important stuff, your lunch, dropping you off or picking you up, I'll remember those, but the other excitement that I have to stuff into my already pretty full mommy brain might just fall out from time to time.  Trust me, I already feel pretty bad about it, you don't need to bring it up casually months after the fact.  "Mommy, remember the time you forgot to bring my blanket to preschool?" or "One time you didn't pack a fork for me, remember that?"  Because yes, I do remember, it happened ages ago and I've not slipped up since.

8.  As hard as I may try, I am unable to tame my inner sailor.  Yes, I try, but I am seemly unable to fully staunch the flow of potty talk I spew forth when I am angry.  I understand these words are especially powerful to you because I gasp when you repeat them like a demented parrot at any inappropriate moment, but please, try to exhibit more control than I have. At least until your surly teen years set in.

I'm sure over the years you will be disappointed in many ways by my lack of real power.  For now, I hope you will continue to worship me as the closest thing to an all powerful being you know.  In return I will try to let you down as infrequently as possible.  And I'll let you get away with your antics more than is really appropriate, just don't tell your dad.  Deal?  Good.



Anonymous said...

Great list! I love it.

I'd add one of my own:

Dear Children, I do laundry every day, but that still doesn't mean that your favorite shirt will be in your closet when you feel like wearing it. This is not a plot against you. I'm not hiding your shirt in some big mommy conspiracy. I'm doing the best I can. Whining for 20 minutes and making us late for school drop off won't make your shirt appear. Promise.

katherynei said...

The perfect post to read over my morning coffee. I needed a good chuckle today. Thanks!

Heather said...

This could be one of the funniest things I've read. THANK YOU for making me laugh during a very stressful day. I've sent this post to all the moms I know!

Mrs. F said...

Oh, how I love your blog. You are so awesome!

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