Monday, May 18, 2009

Top ten things I lost after becoming a mom

1. Any inhibition about talking about my boobs. After practicing extended breast-feeding with two kids, they are pretty much public domain. If by any chance I didn’t flash you at least once in the process of nursing, feel free to send me an email and I’ll send you a photo of the girls to make up for it. Well, probably not.

2. The need for really clean clothes. Fine, before kids I was constantly covered in dog hair, now it is all sorts of other things. As long as it can’t be spotted from 20 yards, or smelled from 2 feet, I call it clean.

3. At least 3 really expensive VW remote car key things. Kids love ‘em. And I left one on top of the car when we were rushing to the hospital with a sick kid. I should just toss them about like confetti at the rate I’m going.

4. High threshold for alcohol. Long gone are the late nights out drinking with my peeps. I once had a high tolerance, no more, no more.

5. My waist. I used to have one. I have photographic evidence. At some point it will reappear, or at least I keep saying that to make myself feel better.

6. Privacy, pretty much all of it. Especially involving the bathroom. As soon as I close the door all hell breaks loose or a tiny person barges in with urgent requests. I dream of the day we have bathroom doors that lock

7. My dignity when watching anything involving a child or mother being harmed. When I was on maternity leave I watched a lot of ER reruns, I’d weep like a demented person every time. Not much has changed since.

8. More pairs of sunglasses than most women own in an entire lifetime. Either to tiny grubby hands or because I left them on a table or something when I had to sprint after a straying child, they are gone baby gone.

9. The ability to do anything quickly. In fact at times I refer to the boys as my “child-shaped anchors.” Leaving the house now takes hours, running into the store to grab something, ha. I move a lot more slowly now.

10. My sanity. At least part of it. But trust me, I feel fine.

And you? What might you find in the maternal lost and found?


fruitlady said...

The alcohol tolerance for sure. Whereas I used to be okay drinking pretty much anything in staggering quantities and suffering through the recovery the next day, I now don't have a next day to waste recovering. I know exactly what and how much of it I can drink and I can't really deter from that ever.

Beyond free time is sacred to me. My boys are 9 and 7 now and so I do have less clingy toddler action happening but a serious ramping up of the boys' schedules puts a damper on mine.

geekymummy said...

In reference to #6, locks on the door don't help, small people just bang on the door with handy implements until it gets opened.

I lost the ability to read the entire Sunday New York times. I attempted to read part of it while sitting next to Bjorn in his bath, but he threw a toy teapot full of bathwater over it.

Our Crooked Tree said...

I concur with all...especially the bathroom. I swear I am never alone in there...if it is not a boy it is the cat.

Oleoptene said...

Fear. When I had kids I lost my fear. The drive to protect the offspring and provide them with the best I can has made me willing to speak up where I could never have spoken up for myself, willing to rush into situations that before motherhood would have left me paralyzed with fear. Of course wherever I left the fear, I seem to have picked up a fun case of anxiety, because I walk into a room and see all the potential pitfalls and dangers to my children in it. So maybe that was a fair trade.

Stephanie said...


A couple of additions:

- The opportunity to go to the bathroom without someone "keeping me company."

- The ability to put together a coherent sentence, let alone carry on an adult conversa...wait, what was I saying?

And I'll take one of those boob pix, please.

ML said...

~ unsmooshed lipstick

~ unfingered blistex

~ saving lotion or perfume for a special ocassion (bathtime smells like a den of iniquity around here!)

~ my dream of owning any real jewelry - it's all for preschool show-n-share or simply to fill the girls' purses, until they lose them.

Draft Queen said...

*waves hello for the first time*

Filed under things lost: custody of the hair dryer, my shoes, several pairs of earrings, bracelets and necklaces. And that's just the list for the past week of mothering a 'tween daughter.

Beth said...

I lost boobage. Before the boys, I was a nice C cup. Now, a pitful A. You could say they sucked the life out of them.

And I've lost my memory of life before them. Sometimes I feel like they were around even when I was a kid. Weird, huh?

Beth said...

And for certain, I am a VERY cheap drunk now!

Unknown said...

Great post!

I've lost my vanity. I used to have perfect makeup, hair, and manicured nails. Now it's a good day if I'm wearing mascara and I've run a comb through my hair. My nails haven't seen nail polish in years.
I still buy too many shoes and hand bags though, even though I can't wear the high heels I used to and I'm usually carrying a diaper bag.
And I'm a really cheap drunk now, which isn't really a bad thing I guess.

Mrs. F said...

I love your list.

I have to add that I lost my brain cells. I can not retain information for more than 20 minutes at a time. Kinda like Dori on Nemo.

I also lost the firmness of a beautiful stomach. :)

Kat said...

I think my #4 has increased to tolerate my little minions! lol

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