Top ten things I lost after becoming a mom

1. Any inhibition about talking about my boobs. After practicing extended breast-feeding with two kids, they are pretty much public domain. If by any chance I didn’t flash you at least once in the process of nursing, feel free to send me an email and I’ll send you a photo of the girls to make up for it. Well, probably not.

2. The need for really clean clothes. Fine, before kids I was constantly covered in dog hair, now it is all sorts of other things. As long as it can’t be spotted from 20 yards, or smelled from 2 feet, I call it clean.

3. At least 3 really expensive VW remote car key things. Kids love ‘em. And I left one on top of the car when we were rushing to the hospital with a sick kid. I should just toss them about like confetti at the rate I’m going.

4. High threshold for alcohol. Long gone are the late nights out drinking with my peeps. I once had a high tolerance, no more, no more.

5. My waist. I used to have one. I have photographic evidence. At some point it will reappear, or at least I keep saying that to make myself feel better.

6. Privacy, pretty much all of it. Especially involving the bathroom. As soon as I close the door all hell breaks loose or a tiny person barges in with urgent requests. I dream of the day we have bathroom doors that lock

7. My dignity when watching anything involving a child or mother being harmed. When I was on maternity leave I watched a lot of ER reruns, I’d weep like a demented person every time. Not much has changed since.

8. More pairs of sunglasses than most women own in an entire lifetime. Either to tiny grubby hands or because I left them on a table or something when I had to sprint after a straying child, they are gone baby gone.

9. The ability to do anything quickly. In fact at times I refer to the boys as my “child-shaped anchors.” Leaving the house now takes hours, running into the store to grab something, ha. I move a lot more slowly now.

10. My sanity. At least part of it. But trust me, I feel fine.

And you? What might you find in the maternal lost and found?

Top ten things I wouldn't have known if I never became a mom

1. I can survive without sleep for amazing periods of time and prolonged sleeping shifts can turn a night owl into an early riser. It's freaky.

2. Baby wipes contain actual magic. It isn't listed on the package, but it must be true. They clean anything, not just butts.

3. It is perfectly acceptable to accuse inanimate objects of causing "confusion and delay." Better yet, you can blame them for carelessness, laziness and just about any disaster. Sir Topham Hat does it all the time, and he's in charge of a falling apart rail system.

4. Band-Aids can cure most any injury, but they're even more effective if they are emblazoned with some big time cartoon hero. I'm pretty sure a Batman Band-Aid could regrow a severed digit, but we have yet to need to test that theory.

5. If someone tells you no, you probably just haven't asked loudly enough or frequently enough. I have also learned my ability to tune shit out is really pretty minimal. And I cave pretty quickly. And the kids have figured this out.

6. "Underpants" is a hilarious word. And the laughs it causes are wildly contagious.

7. Boys can go from best friends to a battle to the death in the blink of an eye, or at least in the time it takes for a grown woman to quickly use the restroom. Furthermore, something about mommy leaving the room to use the bathroom seems to insight this violence.

8. Trying to do anything tired or hungry child is more dangerous than a handgun, more annoying than Tyra Banks and more exhausting than a marathon.

9. Their feet grow constantly. Really, it's like a shoe store in my house from all of the rapidly outgrown shoes!

10. Mr. Dog and I make some pretty amazing kids. And they're gorgeous to boot.

Want to join in? What have you learned?

Top Ten Reaons to be a Mother of Two!

10. Nothing sweeter than seeing your kids play together
9. Younger child develops language skills quickly to communicate with the older child, although they also pick up on potty words quickly too
8. Can we say "hand me downs"?
7. Easy to blame the messy house of "two boys" instead of a slacker mom
6. Get to keep on diapering for that many more years! Woo Hoo!
5. If one of them won't eat something, there is a good chance you can feed it to the other.
4. Peer pressure "Well, I guess your brother is going to have the fun in the bath ALL TO HIMSELF!"
3. Twice the snuggles, twice the fun!
2. My body wasn't quite ruined enough after the first one.

And the number one reason for having two kids...

1. It brings down the odds that the one who gets spattered when the baby blows juicy raspberries from 1 in 3 to 1 in 4!