Thursday, May 14, 2009

Top ten things I wouldn't have known if I never became a mom

1. I can survive without sleep for amazing periods of time and prolonged sleeping shifts can turn a night owl into an early riser. It's freaky.

2. Baby wipes contain actual magic. It isn't listed on the package, but it must be true. They clean anything, not just butts.

3. It is perfectly acceptable to accuse inanimate objects of causing "confusion and delay." Better yet, you can blame them for carelessness, laziness and just about any disaster. Sir Topham Hat does it all the time, and he's in charge of a falling apart rail system.

4. Band-Aids can cure most any injury, but they're even more effective if they are emblazoned with some big time cartoon hero. I'm pretty sure a Batman Band-Aid could regrow a severed digit, but we have yet to need to test that theory.

5. If someone tells you no, you probably just haven't asked loudly enough or frequently enough. I have also learned my ability to tune shit out is really pretty minimal. And I cave pretty quickly. And the kids have figured this out.

6. "Underpants" is a hilarious word. And the laughs it causes are wildly contagious.

7. Boys can go from best friends to a battle to the death in the blink of an eye, or at least in the time it takes for a grown woman to quickly use the restroom. Furthermore, something about mommy leaving the room to use the bathroom seems to insight this violence.

8. Trying to do anything tired or hungry child is more dangerous than a handgun, more annoying than Tyra Banks and more exhausting than a marathon.

9. Their feet grow constantly. Really, it's like a shoe store in my house from all of the rapidly outgrown shoes!

10. Mr. Dog and I make some pretty amazing kids. And they're gorgeous to boot.

Want to join in? What have you learned?


Princess Stupidhead said...

I learned that if you just wait long enough they go away.

Or (and this one I learned from hamsters) if they don't go away you can totally eat them and no one will blame you.

followthatdog said...

I had never considered eating one. (adds this to list of possible outcomes) Thanks!

pipper said...

I loved this post!!! It was perfect and I can't think of anything better to add. As a matter of fact, I might have to steal this from you... no worries, I will totally give you credit :) Thanks for sharing!! This made me laugh so hard because it's so true!! (only I have girls but they still act the same as your boys and yes, "underpants" totally makes me laugh)

ML said...

While I am a whiz at household-inventory trivia, like how much toilet paper is left in storagge or how many pairs of socks are left in the house that actually fit any given child, kids have a remarkable ongoing internal database of what the house contains and can tell you where the last piece of candy is hidden or who got to take a bath 'first' last time.

geekymummy said...

This should be a meme, in fact I'm going to pretend that it is and do one tomorrow.

As for sir topham hat, I believe he must be based on the actual director of British rail who once apologized for a complete shut down of the rail system during winter by saying "we prepared for snow, but this was the wrong kind of snow". Seriously.

Mocha Dad said...

My kids find the word underpants wildly hilarious. Whenever, they are feeling down, I just say underpants and they are all cheered up.

Beth said...

No matter how you plan, somebody is going to have to go to the bathroom at the most inconvenient time.

Somebody is going to cry every day. When they stop, you won't notice this at first.

Great post!

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